Posted in This explains everything

A big bag of shhhh

Having two people with insomnia* makes it worse. Last night, about 2:30, my wife pulls out her favorite Austin Powers quote, saying, “I’ve got a whole bag of “Shhh” with your name on it!”
I can’t leave it alone; “Well, I have the carton from the “Shhh” company, with one bag missing.”
So she goes the easy route; “I have the truckload of “Shhh” with one carton missing.”
“Well, I run** the factory that makes “Shhh” and we are going to file a police report on the truck.”
“I own the company that owns the factory, and you’re fired.”
I am getting sort of ticked off now. “Yeah, well your “Shhh” must not be any good, because I’m still talking!”…. …. “And some of the workers are going to sue for reverse hearing damage!”
But she was already asleep.

*Gilligan; “… And not only that; I can’t sleep!”
** I made a fatal error here.

Posted in Flotsam, This explains everything


Playing Wordfeud with my sister. I have a really lousy hand here, there are five E tiles! I’ve almost cornered the market on the letter E for this game, the whole set only has 12. Should I hoard them to deny her access? Hate to swap tiles, but there is not much to work with here. I should go play Scrabble in the bathroom, because I’m about to have a vowel movement.

BY THE WAY… How is it that (Parker Brothers? Hasbro?) hasn’t sued them? Is it because of the minor differences, such as the ability to put nonsense words up repeatedly until something sticks, or the crazy “random” board my sister Evelyn likes to play, where a person can get a seemingly insurmountable lead on the first turn? Or the frustrating inability to flip the board over and run out of the room crying?

Maybe they worked out some kind of deal. Anyway, I’m really glad it’s there, I really appreciate the chance to prove that at least two of my siblings, and now my nephew, they are all much smarter than me. It really brightens my day. Sometimes I manage to win against a guy from work, but he is 22 and his girlfriend recently moved in with him, so his mind isn’t really in the game.

Posted in This explains everything


So one day our Lenova All in One PC greeted me with nothing more than the words “operating system not found”. I was all, “Well, have a look around! It couldn’t have gone far!” The DVD drive was empty.
Ultimately I hit F2 on bootup, and reloaded my operating system from the backup partition. It still didn’t work! I gave up and went to bed. Just as I was in that problem-solving state of pre-sleep, I remembered that we keep our Point of Sale software on a USB stick. On awakening, I booted it without the USB stick, and of course it works fine now.
Apparently this computer is too dumb to continue looking; the first device it encounters, it looks for the OS, and upon not finding it, tosses up an error message and goes back to sleep. It makes me wonder if computers assume the habits and personalities of their owners.
P.S. Later, this gave me the idea to hook up a USB hard drive I have laying around, and install Linux on that; I can boot to either without any messy drive re-partitioning or whatever. I always wanted to try Linux. Then again, I own a CB radio.

Posted in This explains everything

Gasoline Alley Wisdom

Gasoline Alley Wisdom
The guy with the junk wagon always has good advice. I think it’s from smoking a pipe.
I have been reading “Gasoline Alley” since I was old enough to snap the rubber band and carefully remove the half-page tire store ad on the Sunday edition. Once in a while there is a nugget of true wisdom in the comics, and it’s almost always dispensed by a crotchety old guy, or a little kid. Sometimes Henry would make me think, and he never said a word.

Posted in Friends and Kin, This explains everything

Maybe I should have said “tiger”? Pictionary fun

We have been sort of confined to quarters by bad weather, so to keep from going all REDRUM! we have been playing Pictionary.

Now, every time we open the Pictionary box, I am confronted by the the drawings from earlier games. This picture is pretty obviously “Deodorant”…

… But this one took a while to remember… It looks like a German Shephard with a giant fly on his back, as viewed through a window. Then I noticed the horse footprints, and remembered, it’s a “Trojan Horse”. I shouldn’t have tried to draw a gift box around him.

Tonight, I sort of had the opportunity to cheat, Frank drew a line, and being a smart Alec I yelled LINE! And Frank exclaimed “He guessed it!” Teresa and Daphne wanted to know how I guessed it from just a line! I was confused by this, turns out the word was “Lion”. Everybody ganged up on me then and made me spit out my gum.

Posted in This explains everything

How to use a telephone

We were watching an old “telephone manners” instructional video on Youtube, and I mentioned to Teresa the little booklet we got in like second grade when a genial fellow from Ma Bell came out to talk to us… So she goes upstairs and rummages around and guess what she kept…


It had all sorts of useful information in it, here’s an example of how people used to communicate before telephones…

ttb_greek runner It’s bad enough the messenger had to go on foot, but oh, those sandals… running in flip-flops! I have a hunch that a lot of these messengers slowed to a walk as soon as they got far enough away from the boss.


A nice things about the telephone, is that you can call anyone! Even Jimmy Head! (More on him later)

Not sure about the repairman who can’t figure out his wrench though… and I definitely would not call this cop! He is just dying to try out his new baton, having busted his old one over the skull of some random miscreant.

ttb_operatortheybeatme “Operator, may I have the number for child protective services? What do you mean it hasn’t been invented yet! My dad says he is going to beat the freckles off of me!”

“Sally, are you going to the Freckles Anonymous meeting tonight?…. Gee, that’s swell!”

Here’s Teresa’s personal phone directory. Apparently Lorie H. had an unlisted number. I am guessing that Teresa could call Jimmy Head if she needed to track somebody down. He sounds like the kind of guy who knew where the bones were buried.

Posted in This explains everything

Why hoodies were invented

One warm summer night, a few years ago, I was leaving work- about 4 am, I work nights. I stopped to chat with one of my old co-workers who was walking in.

Just then a big old seagull came out of nowhere, and crapped on the back of my head, and all down my neck. My friend could barely contain her mirth; but to her credit, I was able to swear her to secrecy about it. (Otherwise, I would have never heard the end of it from the guys in the warehouse.) She claims that it’s supposed to be good luck to have a bird poop on your head. I don’t buy into that notion. Maybe if it was just a baby robin, not a seagull the size of a velociraptor.

Drove home hunched forward, with paper towels on the seat, and the windows rolled down.

I had left work a little early, so it was just getting light out when I got home. For some reason, I had the spare car keys, so- no house key! I COULD NOT roust anyone for the longest time. Tried going in the back yard and throwing pebbles and random stuff up at the bedroom window, but Teresa had the fan on and she sleeps like a log. I went around and rang the doorbell some more, tapped on windows, finally started banging on the door Fred Flintstone style.

Eventually my daughter came to the door. I ripped off the shirt I was wearing and said something about “What if the house was on fire?!! You would all die in your sleep!!” She didn’t say anything, just looked at me, bewildered, as I swept past her and took like a 45 minute shower.

This is why I always wear a hooded jacked to work.

Posted in Friends and Kin, This explains everything

Reading is FUNdamental. Also, the TV was broken.


Here’s my mother reading to my sister Evelyn, who is obviously not paying attention. These days, Evelyn routinely beats me at Scrabble, so she must have gotten some book learning somewhere.

I think being read to helped me get a jump on things scholastic. When I started school, I was immediately able to understand the subtext in the Curious George books.

Remember the one where he gets a paper route but decides to make boats instead of delivering the newspapers? Being a wise monkey, he knew that the Internet would develop, and was trying to develop new markets for the newspaper.

Maybe I should have cropped this more, but I had to get that awesome lamp in the picture.

Posted in This explains everything

Strange predictions from the distant past

oldtvSQ200Good grief, this is what they actually thought in the early fifties…

Some day we may even have small computers in our homes, drawing their energy from electric-power lines like refrigerators or radios … They may recall facts for us that we would have trouble remembering. They may calculate accounts and income taxes. Schoolboys with homework may seek their help. They may even run through and list combinations of possibilities that we need to consider in making important decisions. We may find the future full of mechanical brains working about us. – Edmund Berkeley

What a ridiculous concept! I’m sure we will have such a machine soon… …In Rainbow and Gumdrop land!